Well it's about time. I finally made my lentil soup, just in time for what feels like a sore throat and cold coming on. Soup is more precious than gold for a cold. Mine is made with chicken broth from a boiled half-chicken, canned tomato, green pepper, onions and of course lentils. Some cumin, chili powder and salt. Very tasty and so good for my throat! Kristine also gave me two cans of chicken noodle on sale at Lawton's so I am well supplied.

Last night was movie night with the Noveltech ethics series. Little Miss Sunshine is a wonderful film about an almost unbearably dysfunctional family that comes together over the death of the foul-mouthed grandfather and the breathtakingly inappropriate performance of young Olive at a sickening child beauty pageant. It's so much fun that it's easy to forget there is a message there, about winners and losers, and the stories we tell ourselves about what it means to succeed. Among them is the story about a woman's need to be beautiful. At one point Olive's dad tries to tell her that she'll get fat if she eats icecream, and that beauty queens aren't fat ( clealry he hasn't heard of plus sized pageants). But near the end of the film, Olive hears from Miss California that her favourite icecream is chocolate something or other which is technically frozen yogurt. Olive walks away with a contented smile, having confirmed that one can be a beauty queen and still enjoy a treat once in awhile.

It's true that we judge other people as winners or losers on the size of their waistlines and of their pocketbooks. I have to remember when I look in the mirror, and see a fat woman staring back at me, that I have not changed since the moment before I looked in the mirror, that I still have the same number of accomplishments, and that my worth is no less than it was a split-second ago when I had forgotten I was fat.

Still and all, I'm trying to lose the weight that has begun to affect my health. By trying, I am already a winner, according to Little Miss Sunshine. And if I succeed, clearly I'll also be a loser. If, as is my hope, I lose half of me, I'll be healing the whole of me. If that's confusing, try some chicken broth and a good head rub... or a small bowl of icecream. You'll feel better when your brain freezes.

hungry genius

Today I didn't eat lunch. I had a good breakfast with carbs and protein and enjoyed one of Jia Tsu's yummy green tea muffins at tea break. Then I was off to Healthy Minds for the writing group. When I got home about 5 pm I was feeling irritable and anxious, functioning with difficulty. I smashed a plate by accident and couldn't wait to eat That's hunger, the unpleasant hunger that comes from missing a meal and a drop in blood sugar. I forgot to take my Metformin this morning, and wonder whether that had something to do with my difficult mood.

I walked from the MuLan CHinese Cultural Centre to the ferry today, a short walk by most standards but a bit of a challenge for me. Stopped at Silver Silk and Chow Ping gave me her stool to sit on while I waited for the bus. I still get pain in the backs of my legs when I walk any distance, and then there's the pins and needles in my feet. I feel somewhat disabled by my inability to walk as long and as far as I could even a year ago.

Chow Ping suggested accupuncture. Other friends have said I should see a phsyio, and there was a suggestion of a chiropractor. My Mum has tried Bowen therapy on me but though it seemed to help for a short time the pain returned worse than before. I think I mostly need to lose weight, and I am working on it... slowly but surely.

Cate and Cathy and I are going to try to get together to makes plans for healthy living and spirituality workshops or speakers at Healthy Minds Cooperative. My hope is that we'll find some inspired and inspiring speakers, topics, and ideas to bring to the shareholders. It might also be time to buy a pedometer so I can see how many steps I am missing on the road to healthy living and spirituality.... because weight loss, like genius, is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration.

Sunday Night post

Well it was another heavy lunch day today and I slept on it all afternoon, just like yesterday. It's hard to believe, but I think it was all the carbs. Now I'm just plain tired, from looking at the computer screen much of the night. I think the lack of exercise also has something to do with my sleepiness... but like so many people I've talked to, it's more natural to hibernate in Winter than to go for a jog.

Speaking of hibernation, I sometimes wonder how long I could live off my body fat alone. I suspect about a year, as long as I had water. I have no plans to try it. The last thing I want is to put myself in the concentration camp of dieting and exercise that I inhabited during my middle teen years.

Most of us know what it feels like to be hungry. I don't know if everyone experiences hunger the same way, though. On the rare occassion that I forget to eat, I start to feel depressed as my blood sugar drops. I remember the emptiness but also the pressure in my head and a feeling of going deaf, when extremely hungry.

Now that I take Metformin, It seems like my hunger is less extreme... or maybe it's not even hunger, but a compulsion to eat, that has been reduced. Whatever the reason, I am thankful for it. Apparently, there are now other drugs which do what Olanzapine does but which do not cause weight gain. Hopefully for the next generation of people living with mental illness, it will be easier to maintain a healthy weight and lifestyle, even while taking antipsychotic meds. Here's hoping.

Brrrrrr...

The Dartmouth Farmer's Market was very slow today, perhaps because of the ridiculously low temperature out there- minus 20- something degrees Celcius with the wind chill. I picked up some brussel sprouts and squash, both local and some babaganoush with pita chips for a potluck.



Yesterday I was in Truro facilitating one of my Writing Together workshops to help people living with mental illness start their own writing groups. I've been holding them around the province and have discovered that pizza is far cheaper than a catered lunch and probably enjoyed better by all concerned. So yesterday we had pizza, garlic fingers, fruit, muffins, cookies coffee and juice for 7 people for under $100.00. Needless to say my weight loss focus went out the window. But I feel ok about it... it's more important what I do on a daily basis rather than on one day of slippage.



Several people at the workshop were diabetic. We talked about blood sugar and about what people can eat and what they can't. I have the feeling there a lot of people out there who live with mental illness AND problems like diabetes, thanks in part to the kinds of medications we take. My blood sugar has been consistently on the high side of late but now that I take Metformin and am trying to lose weight I hope I can avoid the worst of diabetes. One of the workshop participants mentioned that there are some antipsychotic drugs out now that work well but don't cause weight gain. A friend of mine told me the same thing... I hope to hear more about these new drugs from my shrink ( or as Spencer would say, shrinkette)



It's been very cold the past few days and I haven't got out for many walks... but I'm confident that will change... and I'm doing my writing sit-ups as we speak...

Metformin magic?

I am sitting in the computer resource room at Teamwork Cooperative, blogging away for the first time away from home. I ate breakfast long ago- oatmeal- and have missed lunch , but interestingly, although I am conscious of being hungry, I am feeling quite ok. I've started taking a drug called Metformin, which is usually prescribed to people with diabetes because it controls blood sugar. I have a feeling it is controlling my low blood sugar right now because I don't have the shaky, faint feeling I usually get when I haven't eaten in this long. Although I am not diabetic, my blood sugar has been on the high side so it may be that it's the right time for me to be on it, before things get too out of control.

Metformin may also help control appetite. One of the drugs I take for my mental health, Olanzapine, has been shown to increase appetite and pack on the weight. I've been taking it for more than ten years, and have experienced incredible weight gain. I don't think it's all due to the Olanzapine because I always struggled with my weight when I was younger, but it certainly hasn't helped.

I was involved in a research trial to study whether Metformin would help with appetite and control weight among people taking an atypical antipsychotic like Olanzapine. I was part of the group who were NOT on the Metformin unfortunately, but as soon as the trial was over my shrink prescribed Metformin for me, saying the initial results of the study were promising.

So far so good. I haven't experienced any ill effects, and my hope is that with the help of Metformin I can stay on Olanzapine, which has been very helpful in stabilizing my mental health, but which has contributed to my deteriorating physical health.

I am optimistic that I can turn my weight problem around with a little help from my friends, including Metformin... If anyone else out there has had experience of the drug, I'd be glad to hear from you...

boiledchicken! almond croissant!

Cate and I had a walk up from the ferry, where I met her to take her to Two If By Sea, a newish cafe on Ochterloney Street which is going great guns and has thankfully brought it's amazing croissants to Dartmouth. They're practically a meal in themselves, and absolutely worth a bite.

I was hard at work this morning with the book I'm ghost writing, and I didn't get much exercise in except for the short walk to the ferry and back. My meals have been reasonable though. Oatmeal for breakfast, a can of beans for lunch, a taste of Cate's croissant ( mmmm). Supper was boiled chicken, steamed cabbage and brown rice. It is interesting how satisfying a meal covering the major food groups can be. If I don't eat a balanced meal I end up craving seemingly unrelated snacks like salt and vinegar chips ( my downfall.) I don't know why that is but perhaps there are traces of vitamins and minerals in the snacky stuff that I am lacking. It seems to me that's unlikely in the case of chips but who knows?

It's doubtful that my weight has gone down yet but I'm already feeling better not to be stuffed to the gills at every meal. I'd actually forgotten what it feels like not to overeat. My body feels much more... dependable. When I sit at my computer now I feel like I could get up and do something active. I don't feel as tired and I'm more likely to want to do something other than lie in bed. I seem to be taking fewer naps in the afternoon, because I don't feel the need.

It helps to be busy but not so busy that I become stressed, because that's when I eat the most. Moderation for the nation. And congrats, Cate, on losing the weight! Maybe I'll eat half the croissant next time... if I've got down to my 1995 weight, like Cate has. I can dream, and I will!

Another day on the run... am trying to squeeze in a blog post before taking off to a full day in Halifax. Oatmeal for breakfast, always good for the control of blood sugars. Maybe will take a look at the Saint Mary's University International Fiesta at lunch... although I'm worried that there won't be anything cheap and healthy to eat. Prove me wrong, SMU students!

I won't get a chance to exercise much today although I'll be doing a lot of stuff... That's often the way. I still have problems walking because of the pain in my legs and pins and needles in my feet, but I can go short distances, and it's better than nothing. It sems to work best taking short walks throughout the day rather than one long one... so I count the walk to and from the bus stop, and anything in between. It helps to add it up and realize that actually I really have done some exercise during the day, even when it feels like I haven't.

All the best on Ground Hog day- looks like we're in for another 6 weeks of winter....